Fig. 5 (Davis et al., 1992): Drawing from an original photograph by Kirschbaum of one of his subjects undergoing transmogrification after experimental exposure to amplified illumination at lunar wavelengths.
VERY ORIGINAL RESEARCH * RECHERCHES EXTRAORDINAIRESFrom the Orphan Drug Research Institute (an affiliate of Yoknapatawpha University), 666 Rowanoak Circle, Jefferson, Miss. This is the first report from the institute's Orphan Drug Development Program.
Objective: To develop pharmacotherapies for the orphan disease lycanthropy through the pursuit of the etiologic hypothesis of a genetically determined hypersecretion of endogenous lycanthropogens.
Design: Quadruple-blind, Rubik's Cube matrix analysis.
Setting: Community practice and malpractice.
Participants: Subjects selected from inbred Ruficolla populations in Mississippi, Georgia, North Carolina and Minnesota. All who entered the study finished it.
Interventions: Chemical screening of blood samples over a hypothesized secretory cycle of lycanthropogen peaking on the day of maximum lunar illumination. Administration of synthetic lycanthropogens for behavioural testing. Experimental lycosomatization through the illumination method of Kirschbaum.
Outcome measures: None were post hoc, but some are still in hock.
Main results: Two putative lycanthropogens were isolated from the blood samples. Structural elucidation and synthesis permitted animal and clinical trials; in each of these, behavioural dysfunction was observed. Antilycanthropogen strategies included application of the principle of caged compounds and generation of a therapeutic immunoglobulin. The effects of a newly developed antihirsutic agent seemed promising. An interaction of the lycanthropogen-secretion system and ethanol was noted, which may explain behavioural aspects of alcoholism.
Conclusions: The incidence of lycomania in North America is underestimated. Soon-to-be-available pharmacotherapies should promote its early detection and treatment. Full control may depend upon advances in gene therapy.
Fig. 1 (Davis et al., 1992): Structural formulas of endogenous lycanthropogens.
The full paper is available as an open access article, so don't delay in reading this RECHERCHES EXTRAORDINAIRES in its entirety. It's Halloween, and there's a Bad Moon Rising...
Davis WM, Wellwuff HG, Garew L, Kydd OU. (1992). Psychopharmacology of lycanthropy. CMAJ Apr 1;146(7):1191-7.
Teen Wolf, shown Car Surfin' USA (Kids! Don't try this at home)...